


The Tragedy of Emmanuelle, A Play

by Carmarthen



Category: Les Misérables - All Media Types, Les Misérables - Schönberg/Boublil, Les Misérables - Victor Hugo
Genre: Amateur Theatricals, Backstory, Crack, Gen, Humor, Musicals, Office Comedy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-23
Updated: 2013-08-23
Packaged: 2017-12-24 09:23:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,096
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/938288
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Carmarthen/pseuds/Carmarthen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Inspector Javert stumbles upon some of his younger colleagues rehearsing a little play for M. le préfet's birthday, and demonstrates a previously unsuspected talent for musical theatre. So to speak.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Tragedy of Emmanuelle, A Play

**Author's Note:**

> Set sometime in the mid-1820s, hence Javert not being an "inspector of the first class" just yet; a Hugolian lack of caring has been applied to other police ranks here, as well as to historical accuracy and good taste.
> 
> Copious thanks to sath for looking this over despite (because of?) her distaste for Javert.

### The Tragedy of Emmanuelle, A Play

_by Arnaud Guyot, Inspector of the Third Class  
with musical accompaniment on the pianoforte by Officer Nicolas_

~*~

_Dramatis Personae_

Emmanuelle, a Fallen Woman….………….……...Officer Savreux  
Inspector Clément, a Policeman……………….…Officer Després  
Inspector Chevalier, a Policeman………………...Inspector Guyot  
M. Antoine, a Dandy……………………………..Inspector Monfort

~*~

They were never, ever going to have the play ready in time for the Prefect’s birthday, Guyot thought, with some despair, trying not to wince visibly as Després stumbled over his lyrics, voice cracking on the high notes. The lad was just not suited to the role; he lacked confidence in both voice and movement. Inspector Clemént was meant to be an intimidating figure, to strike terror into the criminals of the Paris streets. Monfort and Savreux would do no better, though.

He pinched the bridge of his nose, feeling the beginnings of a headache, when Després managed a truly appalling finish, not aided by Nicolas missing a chord on the ancient, tuneless pianoforte. They would have to have that brought up from the basement of the Prefecture and tuned, of course.

The sound of slow, deliberate clapping from the shadows by the stairwell caused all of them to start, and Monfort to drop his cane with a clatter. “Bravo,” said a tall, shadowed figure in an unpleasantly familiar voice. “Not bad for amateur theatricals, although you ought to have the piano tuned, and Després would do well to learn the difference between one note and the next.” He stepped forward, revealing the heavy, habitually stern features of Inspector Javert, who was very nearly the last person Guyot would have liked to stumble upon their rehearsal. Javert’s gaze fell upon Després, who quailed. “Després,” he said, holding out a hand, into which Després offered his ink-blotted portion of the score.

“Hmm,” Javert said, leafing through the score, alternately mouthing the words and pressing his upper lip up to his nose in savage contemplation. “Again,” he said, waving a hand at Nicolas. “I shall demonstrate.”

It was a rough start, Nicolas not so much playing the introduction as tumbling over it, and Savreux took a full minute to adopt Emmanuelle’s despairing expression as Monfort’s dandy denounced her to the police. And then Inspector Javert began to sing, with a verve and gusto that left the other occupants of the room both astounded and frozen in mild horror.

_Tell me quick what’s happened here_  
 _Who’s the victim, who’s the crook_  
 _Where I go, crime disappears_  
 _There’s no clue I’ll overlook_  
 _Let the dishonest take care_  
 _The wicked answer to Clément_  
 _They will find crime leads nowhere_  
 _I will take them en passant_

Well, that was unexpected! Inspector Javert’s baritone was harsh, it was true—but on-key and surprisingly resonant, and curiously suited to the role of Inspector Clément. And his conviction! Oh, if Després brought half as much conviction they would have no worries at all. And he did not seem to suspect a thing; that was the best part.

Savreux, with his soft, boyish features, made a passable Emmanuelle, his blond curls fetchingly arranged with a riband, although he had applied rather too much rouge and his bosom had begun to list considerably to starboard; they would have to address that detail of costuming before the performance. However, Inspector Javert, in his strange and frightful grandeur, remained as unmoved as he would have by a real Emmanuelle weeping at his feet.

_Let’s take this filthy slut_  
 _And throw her in prison_  
 _She’ll learn honesty somewhat_  
 _And recover her reason_

Inspector Javert growled out the last note with a self-satisfaction that made poor young Després pale with inadequacy, and the room fell into utter silence as Nicolas banged out the last faltering notes.

“That,” said Inspector Javert, neatly rolling up the score and proffering it to a trembling Després, his face perfectly composed, “is how it ought to be sung: with conviction. Although I think it a touch peculiar that your Inspector Clément should refer to himself by name, I commend you for presenting a portrait of an officer with laudable devotion to the law in your entertainment; however, have you not all more pressing duties?”

There was a guilty shuffle, punctuated by Nicolas dropping his portion of the score and the ensuing awkward scuffle to reassemble it. No one met the fierce glint of Inspector Javert’s gaze, hidden in the shadows of the stairwell where he had again retreated at the end of the song.

The man had absolutely no sense of fun, Guyot thought with resentment, not for the first time; why, he had not even realized they were mocking him—although that, he had to confess, was something of a relief.

“Inspector Monfort,” said Javert, causing that unfortunate soul to draw himself up at once, although his suddenly military posture was somewhat undermined by M. Antoine’s ridiculous dandy’s coat and the slow unraveling of his cravat into something better resembling a pudding than a mail coach. “M. Chabouillet would like to see you about the Gaillard case, if you please.”

“Yes, of course.” Monfort was already struggling with his cravat, his hands shaking. “I’ll just—yes.”

“Good day, gentlemen.” And with that, Javert turned, arms rigid at his sides and lead-weighted cane tucked at a precise angle under his arm, and was gone.

“Well,” said Després.

“Good _God,_ ” said Savreux, with feeling, reaching for the laces of his bodice. “Perhaps we ought to consider a different play.”

Guyot waved a hand. “Please! He didn’t notice a thing; he thinks Inspector Clément the hero of our little drama.”

Savreux paused from scrubbing ferociously at his face with a damp rag; the rouge had merely smeared clownishly. “Will he still think that after he sees the whole thing?”

“Does it matter?”

“I am rather attached to my pay and my post,” Nicolas said, “but I suppose as long as M. le préfet is amused, it won’t matter what _he_ thinks. He is only an inspector of the second class, after all.”

“Still, you must admit the humorless old bastard can sing,” Després said, a little wistfully. “A pity we can’t get _him_ to play the role.”

“Ah,” said Guyot, “but theatre is about playing what you are _not;_ our Inspector Javert plays the role to perfection every day. It would be unfair to ask it of him in his spare time as well.”

And that was that, although if pressed, Guyot would have admitted to a certain private amusement to hear Inspector Javert whistling a familiar tune over his paperwork later that afternoon. No clue he’d overlook, indeed!

**Author's Note:**

> The doggerel should, technically, scan to the first verse and chorus of "Dites-moi ce qui se passe" from the original French concept album, which it is verrrrry loosely based on. Jacques Mercier pretty much sounds exactly like how I imagine Javert the character would if he did musical theatre.


End file.
